Nature vs. Nurture

Certainly we're all familiar with the nature vs. nurture argument.  Some people believe that who we are is determined by our genetics (nature) and some believe that who we are is determined by the environment we grow up in (nurture).  And then you have me, firmly planted somewhere in the middle. 

We all have natural abilities.  We all have natural tendencies to act this way or that, to like something or not, etc.  These natural tendencies are determined by our genes.  But the environment in which we live determines whether or not we reach the full potential of our god given abilities or what tendencies end up shaping our personality.

My son is one of the most thoughtful little kids I have ever met.  When I think of kids, I tend to think of the brutally honest phase, which occurs before kids realize that certain questions/comments hurt other feelings.  You know, the phase that leads a child to ask (quite loudly) out of curiosity "Why is that lady so fat?" or "Why is that kid in a wheel chair?".  So I admit that I was (and still am) surprised at how thoughtful he is.  Maybe the brutally honest phase is still to come.

I came down the steps from our bedroom after getting dressed for a wedding one day last fall.  My son looked at me, smiled, and said "I like your necklace mommy!  It has lots of pretty colors!".  It doesn't surprise me the least bit that he noticed my necklace.  If you have spent more than a couple minutes with this kid you would know that he is one of the most observant kids EVER!  But it surprised me that he thought to comment on it and tell me that he liked it.  He often tells me that he likes certain things that I am wearing.

Then the other day, something happened that utterly melted my heart.  I know my kids love each other a lot.  Sure, they get on each other's nerves like all siblings do, but the love is already very apparent.  I got my daughter dressed for church and sent her out into the kitchen we her brother was still eating.  As soon as he saw her, he said, "Oooh, she looks nice.  She looks like a princess!".  Seriously, so thoughtful and sweet.

Her princess outfit

There is that part of me that would like to think that his thoughtfulness is a direct reflection of my parenting and that nothing else has influenced it.  But, alas, my better judgement wins out.  I'm sure that his natural tendency is towards being more observant and thoughtful.  My job as a parent is to ensure that he remains a thoughtful person.

And I will admit that I feel as though this is a tough job.  Let's be honest for just a second.  My son, obviously, is a boy (duh! right? just stick with me...).  He will one day turn into a man.  Men (and yes , I'm about to stereotype men) are not known to be the most observant or thoughtful creatures in the world.  You got your haircut?  I thought it was always that short...  I know Anthony is shaking his head right now and thinking, "I'm not that bad".  And he's right...for the most part...

All I'm saying is that I want my thoughtful little boy to grow up into a thoughtful man that I can be proud of and who will make some woman very happy with all of his thoughtfulness.  And that brings us to the crux of the issue here.  Sure, my son is naturally thoughtful, but if I want to nurture that part of him and have it be a continued trait, then I need to model that trait for him.  I need to set an example for him.

It seems logical and easy enough, right?  I mean, one of the foundational principles of parenting is to be a good role model.  But it is sometimes all to easy to think of being a good role model as going to church, donating money to charity, not drinking/smoking/swearing, etc.  You know, the big stuff.  But something like thoughtfulness requires much more intentionality. 

Anybody who thinks that a person is solely shaped by genetics must not have children, because they would know better.  What I do matters.  Not just the big things, but the little things as well.  I have little (very observant) eyes watching me.  What I do matters by far more than anything I say.  And while that realization can be frightening, it is also very empowering.

The best thing about being given that much responsibility is that it has made me a much better person.  I know that my kids are watching me; what I eat, what I do, what I say...  And because of that I eat better, I watch what I do, I watch what I say (though you may not believe that if you have ever heard my son say "oh crap"...oops!).  I am grateful for the blessing of being a parent for a lot of reasons but one of the things I am most grateful for is how it has changed me for the better.

Sincerely,
The-M-O-M