I started this blog because I needed something, I just couldn't pinpoint exactly what that something was. I set out to blog about the things I am passionate about, the things that bug me, the crazy goings on in my daily life. I set out to push myself beyond my comfort zone and to write about and accomplish things I never thought possible. It was a lofty idea...but whatever it was that I was in search of (a community, a support group, a fulfilling project, etc.) I have slowly begun to find it. So it is with that in mind that I share this.
I have thought of this "secret" often. It is at times so burdensome. I have revealed it to few people. I barely even talk about it with those who know a fair amount about the situation. The reason why I shy away from shouting this from the roof top is driven by both fear and shame. So ashamed of all that happened and so afraid of what people would think of me.. Airing out your family's dirty laundry is generally frowned upon, usually by the family in which it involves. But I am hoping that this post both helps me heal and helps someone else in the process.
In many cultures, what your immediate family does (good, bad, or otherwise) is a direct reflection on you. Here in America, this isn't the case as much. And whether I'm a product of the culture I grew up in or there is some other underlying reason behind it, I tend to think that each person is their own person. One person actions shouldn't reflect negatively on you just because you are related.
So here it is. My brother went to jail for breaking into several homes and stealing items from those homes. He was selling the items to support his drug addiction. He has since been in and out of jail 3 or 4 times over the past seven and a half years.
I remember when he was released the first time and how happy I was to have him back. How naive I was to think his trials were over. But a few short months later he surrendered to his drug addiction and was soon back in jail. One difficult incident that has been so hard for me to let go of is when he borrowed money from me. He said he needed the money to buy him and his young son food. So I without question lent him the money. When he came back the second time, maybe a week later, I was a bit more skeptical (knowing now that other people had also lent him money). He made me feel guilty for not wanting to give him money and manipulated me into doing so. Not more than a week later was when he went back to jail. It didn't take me long to realize that the money I gave him was likely used to buy drugs, not food.
The journey has been very long, and very painful. Over the course of these seven plus years, I have gone through the stages of grief many times over. But the hardest part for me has been forgiveness. I have gone through the motions of forgiving him and said I forgive him time and time again. Then I find myself so angry about everything and realize that maybe I haven't really forgiven him.
I recently found out that my brother was released from jail again and is currently in a halfway house. He had asked my parents about spending Christmas day with us and he was told that they would need to see how everyone felt about it. My immediate response was, "Of course, it's Christmas, and he's family. He should be here." I still hold out hope that one day he will beat his addiction and be able to lead a somewhat normal life. He is still family, no matter what. And I will continue to forgive him as many times as is necessary.
In my daily bible readings, I recently came across this:
"Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?"
"No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"
Matthew 18: 21-22 NLT
Does this mean that I should forgive someone exactly "seventy times seven" times (or 490 times) and not a single time more? No, it means I should forgive someone as many times as is necessary. It doesn't mean that I forget or that I naively let myself continue to be hurt by this person. It just means that I continue to offer forgiveness as many times as is needed, because that's what God does for us.
What if he only forgave us 490 times and not once more? No matter how good I think to think I am, whether I am aware of it or not, I am certain, in some way or another, I sin on a daily basis. We are sinful people by nature. I am and will forever be in need of his constant forgiveness and mercy. And so that is what he requires of us. Who are we to deny someone forgiveness when we are granted it time and time again. We would be hypocrites.
Sincerely,
The Unburdened Blogger
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