I have been tossing the idea around about sharing what I'm about to share, wondering if I should or not. I finally decided to just go ahead and share it, even if discussing such things are taboo or would make people feel uncomfortable. If for no other reason, I figured it would help to put my thoughts down on paper (so to speak), but I am hoping that this blesses someone out there in a way that I couldn't have imagined.
Anthony and I discussed the idea of baby number 3 for a long time before we came to a decision. I know "long time" might sound funny, given that our kids aren't spaced that far apart. But the discussion began long before my daughter turned one. We both had reasons for and against another one, some of them good reasons, others bordering on downright silly.
We eventually did decide to try for another one and I became pregnant right away. We were excited and were looking forward to the ten week ultrasound when we would get to see the baby, know that all was OK, and share the news with everyone, especially the kids.
At eight and a half weeks, I started experiencing some bleeding and went in to be checked out. It was discovered that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I had miscarried.
We were devastated. It was completely unexpected. It is amazing to me how attached you become to a baby that is hardly a baby yet. But we did become attached. We had started tossing around names just for fun. We had started looking at the due date on the calendar and tried to figure out how that was going to fit in with our plans for that time. We started wondering if the baby was a boy or girl. With the 10 week ultrasound only a week and a half a way, we had started getting really excited about telling the kids. Maybe that is not most people's experience, but I am a planner. I think things through. And I had already started planning out all these things in my head regarding the baby. I was already so attached.
But then all these plans were taken away and we were left in an awkward situation. No one knew we were expecting, so do we bother to tell anyone I had miscarried? We decided to tell our parents and siblings, as we felt they deserved to know and that it might be nice to have some support should we need it.
I hesitate to say this because I don't want to hurt anybody close to me, but miscarrying is an incredibly isolating experience. Anthony was sad, sure, but I had experienced the loss in a way he didn't. I had to cope with the physical loss as well as the emotional loss. And it created some awkward situations. Do you talk about it, do you not? I'm sure nobody wanted to say anything that would upset me, or perhaps no one knew quite what to say given they had never had the same experience. Either way, at times it was weird.
It took a little time, but we did move on. Getting pregnant so quickly following the miscarriage certainly helped. And while I am sad that I never got the chance to meet the baby we created, I am so very grateful for this baby, for this gift, and I look forward to meeting her soon.
Fast forward to today, and we get to the point of this post. Given my due date, and the fact that the c-section would have been scheduled about a week early, my baby would be about 2 weeks old today. That thought just struck me as odd. Our lives have been crazy busy since about November up until now. We have hardly had time to fit in everything as it is, so I can't imagine trying to fit in all the stuff that we need to do before the baby arrives. I just don't even know how we would have made that work.
And then this also occurred to me. The c-section would likely have been schedule for either January 30th or February 4th. The first date is the day Anthony's grandfather passed away, and the second is the date of his funeral. So as I let my mind wander, I have been trying to wrap my mind around how that all would have worked.
My point is this, God's plan for our lives is always, ALWAYS, better than our own. I wish I could say that I handled the loss as gracefully and faithfully as Job, but the truth is that I was hurt, and angry, and wondering why. Our plan was to have a baby in late Jan. /early Feb., but that wasn't God's plan for us. I couldn't understand that at the time but I do now, and I see that his plan is better.
God doesn't always reveal the WHY behind the things that happen to us. When I am having a bad day, when nothing seems to be going right, it is easy to get caught up in the 'Why is this happening to me?' mindset. Why, why, why, why, WHY!?! But I know that, even though I don't understand it, God knows best. His plan is always best. And I find that so comforting.
Sincerely,
The-M-O-M
